Wedding and Cars

My Maid-of-Honor and I were finally able to connect today. I filled her in on everything that has gone on. She was amazed that SO many things could be going on with this wedding.
Her and I got discussing our parents and what they do to us. She was telling me the anxiety she feels over inviting guests to her parents home. She gets so upset over it she has avoided bringing anyone around. I had no idea she was experiencing this.
She also told me about her younger sister buying a car and bringing it to the homestead to show off to her family. Her sister had painstakingly researched the make, model, year, and the dealership. She felt confident in her purchase and was excited to share her new toy. But when she took it over to show her family, her brothers crawled thru it and began to point out every flaw. Paint chip here, pulled canvas there, etc. She was devastated and went home in tears.
Her boyfriend pointed out that it was interesting that her big sister (my MOH) can see such positive things in people and things and yet the brothers, from the same family, can only ever point out flaws and negative aspects of everything.
It struck me as profound. Despite my parents and I all sharing a similar environment for decades, we're all still vastly different. And with this wedding situation we're all taking something DIFFERENT away from it....we're all seeing the same "car" but what I see as perfection is flawed and overpriced in their eyes.
Maybe that is a stretch.
I'm really trying to reach an understanding of WHERE they are coming from in all of this. I waiver from time to time. Maybe what they're requesting isn't so awful. Maybe I could do that.

BUT WAIT....it's MY wedding. Why am I making sacrifices that go against what I envision as being the perfect way to commit to my fiance so it appeases them? They should be excited for me and enjoying my ability to plan and organize such an event. Instead they've opted to be judgemental and ignorant. They intend to manipulate this day into what they want...not what the The Newf and I want.

Is it worth throwing all away? I truly don't know.

The Kid

So going back to school.....gonna do it. Can't decide if I should jump head first and start in September...I mean what hell??? I'm only getting married at the same time.

The highlight of this going back to school bit is that I have the courses paid for by the university (joys of working there).

I'm quite excited about it. I've talked about it for years. Now that it's within inches of becoming a reality I feel a spurn of fear. WTF? Why?

It's perfect right? Go to school on campus, I work on campus, school pays. But it's like the dream *could* become a reality and that terrifies me!

Can I really be the amazing, creative, feminist professor that students would love in real life? Or is it simply a nice "dream" to have but never really achieve?

Marriage.....

I feel as thought this particular blog may be more "raw" that the other...it just seems to be morphing that way.

As much as I'm trying to integrate positive thinking into my life and embracing a positive outlook, I think my roots are deeply planted in a darker area.

Maybe this is where those 'roots' can be displayed...to assist in getting them out of my system.

The reason for my 'darker' thoughts at this moment derive from my partner. He will be out of a job as of Friday. Stressful (for both of us). Since learning that his company will be closing he has been working at much OT as possible. I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. We literally fall asleep, get up, go to work and won't see one another until late at night when he's done work. OR sometimes I don't see him at all.

I've really missed him for the past while. The 'practical' side of my brain knows that it's temporary. That as of Friday he will be around ALL the time because of his unemployment. But I still find myself missing him.

I've been trying to communicate to him that I simply miss him....but the message has been lost.

Our last phone conversation ended badly because I wasn't being clear OR maybe I was being too clear and he didn't like it.

I was left feeling very selfish and childlike. Like I don't deserve to feel this way. It's wrong of me to.

Knowing that he's angry with me and that I'm questioning myself makes me nervous.

Am I really ready for marriage?

a FUCKING year

So it's taken me a freakin' year to get back here...I must thank Barefoot for bringing me back and giving me a proper kick in the ass to get over the fear and just post...it's what I do on the MMB so why not here too???
I'm keeping both blogs and see where it takes me....